inside and outside of myself

hi ^^ i just arrived few min ago to my city tabriz ...
it is so nice weather today , it's cool , birds singing ^^ , it's holiday so there is no so many cars out ...
hmm i missed this silent so much :)
i think i'm still learning love , learning to love myself , earth , life ...
i wrote some interesting pages in my trip about love , about life, soul ^^ i will put em here soon ,
i liked those so much XD
who knows maybe someday i become a writer , musician , graphist or painter to make animes or movies , a programmer , an athlete , or who works with animals or plants and natural :)
but what ever i will ...i know that i will be a creator who creat new things ...
who invents and discovers things , inside and outside of myself , and i will help to others for that :)

well today , i'm going to Tehran , to help my sis to move new to house , finally i found train ticket for today :)
i'll be back on Friday , so i have just 2 days after that hehe . you ask to do what ?? =P well can't say now yet xD
i already did something yesterday but it wasn't good so need to do it again after i come back to Tabriz on friday ^^ .
i know i can do this !! I CAN !!!!!! you will see i'll do this !! xD because i can do this !! hahaha

my second story

wow!!! suddenly just got an idea for my next story !!!!!!!!!!!


today facebook filtered in iran (censorship in internet)
so got idea about it for story : now i'm thinking about world that everyone has power , some ppl helping iran with their energy some others trying to stop them and stop other people to think about anything else except some simple required of living (like food,cloth,money)
and there is a hero (maybe the same guy that can't die and will live 910 years =P ) that fighting with em ...


well i will try to make this story after typing my first story ! do i gonna be a writer really xD ??
anyway it's worth to try at least haha

deathdebar lost his love in his life and hate replaced instead of that

ok let's see if i can analyze deathdebar's reacts , well if I am right :

he loved someone from another city in iran long ago(it's important that they were not in same city here , in iran each part of iran speak their own language and have their own calture. it's like hundrads of countries exist in iran)
then i don't know why but they broke apart ... i think i understand why he became like this ,
at first he was so sad ... because he lost her , but after some days,or months he changed ...
he wanted to revenge that girl or any other girls in world , he lost his trust to everyone ...
he lost his love in his life and hate replaced instead of that ... he can't love anything specially girls that broke his heart .
this feeling should be gone after some times but he used to it , he used to look at a girls just like a good looking body... he wasn't able to continue his training in university so he went military service and it made him to be more and more like this , he wasn't able to heal himself and keep his love in his heart with or without someone else ...

and now after years past ... he still has same feelings , he can't love someone anymore i think ,
that's why he says ""girls don't worth anything ! girls would betray you someday ...you don't live in story books to love someone more than yourself like this ... he said do not fight with your friend because of a girl ! "" <--- he really doesn't know what a guy could do for a girl ?

i know he thinks he is right and i'm wrong , he thinks i will lose my love soon or late and i will become like him , it might be true if i was weak like him , but i never lose my love , yea ofc i become mad , sometimes i hate things but i heal myself so faster than others ... i would hate anyone right now but i will forgive him after some minutes or some hours ...


it's the reason they call me savalan :) it is something more than just a name for me ...

heyyy devil these are people ... you can't change all of em but you can change yourself .


love them if they like you
kill them if they insult you
you are not Jesus...

lol this webcam sucks xD

hows my new whisler ?? (or beard ) not sure if i used true word lol

pointing

once someone told me :

it was about blame someone when you are angry

when you point at someone with you finger and blame him/her ...
one of your fingers points your target and 3 fingers that are closed point yourself ^^
i think i'm understand it now !

punch faces on shirts !

i arrived home now , i was riding bicycle with my mom , few days ago doctor told her she had high cholesterol and some other things ... so she needs to do some sports to get better . today my dad went to capital city to help my sis to rent new house , so i need to go for bicycle with my mom :)

usually females don't rid bicycle here , so people don't get used to see women or girls ...
when we were riding , i heard a guy that said to his friends : " look it that woman ! she rides bicycle hehe "
i answered him don't look so careful it can hurts your eyes !

i'm glad my mom didn't hear what they said , it can hurt her , she is not used to do like that , if she get sad because people watch her , people laugh at her ... she could stop riding bicycle or other sports ,

i'm sure next time i will punch those guys or any other guy's face to their shirts if they say anything like that to my mom ,

this is one of reasons that i don't like to live here , i want to give freedom to my mom,sis ... that's why i want to go and live in some other countries to do these stuff for them :)

today i promise to myself that i will make world better for my family and the persons i love .
when i want something i reach to that ... and now i want this

train of thoughts

stream of consciousness

hmm i write to much today hehe


well this guy sings for me today : http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ja3FAlRDApM

Serdar Ortac - Dansöz

İtiraf ediyorum sana itiraf.
Başladı yaralı aşklara tadilat
Masumum, dışarıdan daha masumum,
Maalesef, bunun için sana mecburum.

Yüksek uçan kuşun, yüreği sarhoşun.
Acı çeker gibi, kölesi olmuşum.
Kavga edenlere, bana küsenlere.
Yüreği çark edip, geri dönenlere.

Affet diyen kim? Ez geç diyen kim?
Aşktan çeken kim? Benim kadar...

Ölene kadar aşık olamazsın
Birisi çıkar onu anlayamazsın
Sen o tür oyunlara katlanamazsın
Senin bir kalbin var...

Hadi diyelim biri çok deli sevdi
Senin için her şeyi her şeyi verdi
Ya bir gün olur sana bel kıvırırsa?
Binlerce dansöz var...
_______
translate:
i confess to you something today ,
it starts to calm down for painful loves
i'm innocent , i'm innocent much more from outside of me ,
unfortunately ,it's the reason that i'm up for you .

birds that fly so high , guy with drunk heart ,
like feeling suffer , i became slave ,
to whom fight me , to whom miff of me ,
to whom made their sense ready , and return to me ,

who said to forgive it ,who said forget it ,
who felt pain of that love , more than me ...

you can't be a lover til you die ,
someone would pop up to you that you couldn't understand him/her
you can't play that kind of games in your life with everyone,
because you have heart too ...

lets say someone loved you so much crazy ,
she left everything because of you ... ,
but what if she jab your behind ... ?
because there is thousands of dancers in this world ...

well for starting i tell you a joke :

Question: Why Are Wives More Dangerous Than The Mafia?

Answer: The Mafia Wants Either Your Money Or Your Life... The Wives Wants Both!

let's get started but in different ways

i think i will continue to write here sometimes it's like my diary , but will try to don't talk about love after this post ... because i don't want to hurt anyone ,
everyone can fell in love sometime , yea it's right and it's easy for some people or hard for some others ...
everyone can swim through river stream but do everyone can swim opposite of that ? of not...
it's hard but do able , i think i need to do that , i won't beg for love anymore because i'm done ,it doesn't work like this...
now it's my turn to start , i'm just a bit changed , i'm not that kind of easy guys .
i won't say ah ok i loved you 1.5 years but i can forget you now because you want that ,
i never loved anything to leave it behind of me ,
but i won't talk anything about love here or in chats with you ... that light will left on in my heart i'll never turn it off ever ,

well where am i now ?
hmm now i'm at beginning again , even closer to where i started , heh
i will go military service i think , because i can't return to university anyway , even if they let me to back there . i won't do it ...

2 days ago i heard a song at the end of movie that says :

i don't care what you think
as long as it's about me
the best of us can find happiness
in misery


and i think i won't use any emoticons after now , i don't want anyone to know what i really feel
, (edited few hours later : no! lol i can't stop using them xD )
(love is mine , life is life , death is not for me )

so lets get started right now ...

phase2

phase 2

i think it's time for phase 2 ...

lol

the part of lyric of sexy back , from justin timberlake ;)

I’m bringin’ sexy back
Them other boys they don’t know how to act
I think it’s special… what’s behind your back
So turn around and and I’ll pick up the slack

Dirty Babe
You see these shackles baby I’m your slave
I’ll let you whip me if I misbehave
It’s just that no one makes me feel this way
.....

I look inside myself and see my heart is black

i'm sorry for this post :)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DP2VyquMAaM

lyrics:

I see a red door and I want it painted black
No colors anymore I want them to turn black
I see the girls walk by dressed in their summer clothes
I have to turn my head until my darkness goes
I see a line of cars and theyre all painted black
With flowers and my love both never to come back
I see people turn their heads and quickly look away
Like a new born baby it just happens evry day
I look inside myself and see my heart is black
I see my red door and it has been painted black
Maybe then Ill fade away and not have to face the facts
Its not easy facin up when your whole world is black

No more will my green sea go turn a deeper blue
I could not foresee this thing happening to you
If I look hard enough into the settin sun
My love will laugh with me before the mornin comes

I see a red door and I want it painted black
No colors anymore I want them to turn black
I see the girls walk by dressed in their summer clothes
I have to turn my head until my darkness goes
Hmm, hmm, hmm,...
I wanna see it painted, painted black
Black as night, black as coal
I wanna see the sun blotted out from the sky
I wanna see it painted, painted, painted, painted black
Yeah!

shut up D3V!L

i wanted to talk here about so many things then i said to myself : i don't want to hurt you so ... shut up D3V!L and kill that words in your mind before someone heard that ...
so i put this image as a last thing on this blog

down on my knees , i begging you ...

when i'm home i can't do anything special ... i'm just open skype and watching to offlines page :(
and listen to music , you didn't add my trial wow account , so i can't whisper you with that :|
wonder why you didn't do that , i don't even want to think about anything anymore ...................
i can't really think anymore why you don't like to come online , just maybe 1 time in week ,

i hate it , it's like you playing with my feelings :( i can't think logical anymore ,
i'm really tired of myself , i hate myself :( i don't want to be like this but i can't find any way out...
and you make it even worse with doing like these ,


i've came from body building sport 1 hour ago ,my body is not tired , but my mind is tired of everything :(

I LOVE YOU BESTRIDer

I LOVE YOU , I LOVE YOU , I LOVE YOU , I LOVE YOU , I LOVE YOU , I LOVE YOU , I LOVE YOU , I LOVE YOU , I LOVE YOU , I LOVE YOU , I LOVE YOU , I LOVE YOU , I LOVE YOU , I LOVE YOU , I LOVE YOU , I LOVE YOU , I LOVE YOU , I LOVE YOU , I LOVE YOU , I LOVE YOU , I LOVE YOU , I LOVE YOU , I LOVE YOU , I LOVE YOU , I LOVE YOU , I LOVE YOU , I LOVE YOU , I LOVE YOU , I LOVE YOU , I LOVE YOU , I LOVE YOU , I LOVE YOU , I LOVE YOU , I LOVE YOU , I LOVE YOU , I LOVE YOU , I LOVE YOU , I LOVE YOU , I LOVE YOU , I LOVE YOU , I LOVE YOU , I LOVE YOU , I LOVE YOU , I LOVE YOU , I LOVE YOU , I LOVE YOU , I LOVE YOU , I LOVE YOU , I LOVE YOU , I LOVE YOU , I LOVE YOU , I LOVE YOU , I LOVE YOU , I LOVE YOU , I LOVE YOU , I LOVE YOU , I LOVE YOU , I LOVE YOU , I LOVE YOU , I LOVE YOU , I LOVE YOU , I LOVE YOU , I LOVE YOU , I LOVE YOU , I LOVE YOU , I LOVE YOU , I LOVE YOU , I LOVE YOU , I LOVE YOU , I LOVE YOU , I LOVE YOU , I LOVE YOU , I LOVE YOU , I LOVE YOU , I LOVE YOU , I LOVE YOU , I LOVE YOU , I LOVE YOU , I LOVE YOU , I LOVE YOU , I LOVE YOU , I LOVE YOU , I LOVE YOU , I LOVE YOU , I LOVE YOU , I LOVE YOU , I LOVE YOU , I LOVE YOU , I LOVE YOU , bestrider

delusion thoughts lol

its Wednesday , tomorrow my internet time will expired , i wont re purchase it for some day i think ,
i wish you came online and i would tell you that i wont come online , but as always you didnt :)

today is my last day , so i will stay a bit more til you done your naxx raid , i know you wont come online ,but i like to stay a bit online and wait for you anway :)


hahahahahahahahahahah :)))))))))) , i wanna laugh at myself lol , i'm just alive with delusion thoughts lol , i want to laugh at myself !!!

cya allllll !

at least i know that you cared about me even if it was just a little ^^

i'm the guy that need to do something different always ...
i can't wait somewhere without doing anything , doing nothing can kill me :)
it's my nature and i like it ,


i'm glad that have talked to you yesterday , it was like a release for me again :)
i dont know when you will come online again , but i hope it wont be next year ;)

i know wildmoon told you to come online some times , and it wasn't your idea to do that , but
it doesnt matter whose idea it was ,
it matters that you came online and it was just for me yesterday , you thought that i need you so much and its a good point for me :) at least i know that you cared about me even if it was just a little ^^

you were online today but you didnt come online on skype ,
i think wild is right : you need time ,

i'm still so far from being perfect but i'm trying :) maybe one day i will be 99.9% perfect guy hehe ... at least i wish to be like that .

i like to analyze every single act of people that i contact em. to know them and understand them , that's why i check your stuff everyday , podc site , youtube,skype,wow,blog,
i like to know what you thinking , what you doing , i want to know everything bout you ...
you know its because you are my life /shy , i can't live without you ...



and what you will think when you see my blog some day :)

I... love you bestrider:)

you are sure they will come as always...

well as always :) i say to myself : chill man
dont take this life serious .

just 1 hour later my old friends will come to see me ^^ ,

can you guess who they are ?? can't ? ooh ... :|

the moon and stars ^^ as always, as everyday they will come to see me , and they will let me to look at em as long as i want , they will listen to my hearts songs ,

its time to go to roof again these days , weather is not cold so i sit at my roof, naked =P and look to sky , that makes me calm so nicely ,
no one can stop them to come every day , they come at same moment of last day , some times they would late few minute, BUT you are sure they will come as always ... to meet you


night will listen to you when you are sad , he will listen to you when you are glad, you can find smile at sky , or some tears when he is trying to pity with you :)

maybe i'm just a psycho person that thinks he is in love

hi, its about 1 week that i dont play wow again .
i did last raid in ulduar with my guild PODC , and said good bye to all .
its 1 week that i havent talk with you , because you didnt come online on skype even once :)
well , i never can be sure if even you thought about me these days or not ,

why i need you ? i don't understand :( why i fell in love , how ... all the same questions are still without any answer . i repeat them time by time on my mind ,

its few days that i started to think i'm sick , maybe i'm not in love i just have mind sickness , and all of these stuff are just in my mind , and they're not exist in real world ,
Is the love that i feel with you , just in my mind ... ?
i started to think there is no love in world , love is just in stories , you can't really find real love in real world , i'm not blame anyone else , its just me ...
maybe i'm just a psycho person that thinks he is in love ,

but as always i dont know what should i do about myself .
i know doctors can't help me , it's just me and you that might can help ,
i want to find a way out of this prison , but i can't , because i don't know what should i do .

it's always good to write something here , its make me calm a bit ,
i can say that i really missed youuuuuu :( , i beg you to come online once , or send a mail to me ...
you never did that befor , it was me that always did that but i beg you this time bestrider ,

i just wanna know that you havent forgot me . i just want to be sure that you care about me at least like a friend ,

i think i will write here too much these days because i'm so upset , i'm always like this when i dont talk with you